Oh my goodness what did I get myself into? Oh well I’m in it now, so I might as well enjoy the ride!
How should I start todays blog post? Hmmm I haven’t talked to anyone about this except for the psychiatrist and psychologist I was assigned by the hospital. I saw them for those 2 weeks, went home and we (the family) never spoke about it again!!!
Another reason I don’t talk about this much is because its kind of sad and pathetic that I let myself to get to that point!
I suffer from chronic depression, it comes and it goes. I don’t take medication cause my mind’s in a fog when I take the medication. I’ve only been suicidal once, I was still in high school and it was a result of keeping a lot of things.
I always use to have sex dreams from a very very young age (TMI I know and I’m sorry), I was molested by two different people both a female and a male and this made me feel weird because no one else my age was having such dreams, my sister had just moved out, my dad had also moved out to live with his mistress, my mom was constantly stressed and because I looked like my father I felt she took it out on me, my grandparents passed within 3 months of each other (my grandfather lived with us cause his doctors were up here) my mom decided to let our nanny go and for the first time in my life, it was just me and my mom in the house… The final straw came when I was raped!
Phew and that is the end of my woe is me pity party. All of this happened in the span of 9 year, everybody moving out happened within 2 years and because I had no one else to talk to, I just felt lonely and sad for about 7 years and at 15 I trusted the wrong person and things happened got home, thought I was pregnant and I didn’t tell my mom about what had happened because I would have had to explain what I was doing at a boys house, due to the stress I missed my period told my mom I was pregnant but for some weird reason I still didn’t tell her I was raped. Immediately after telling my mother my period came, my mother kept yelling at me for being stupid. And next thing you know I took her diabetes medication.
I remember waking up with people shouting and a pain in my chest (they had just shocked me back to life), my hospital stay was just a two week long dream. I’ve never spoken about the past because I feel that’s all it is the past and no amount of talking about it can change any of it. That being said, I’ve learnt to live with my past and I’m thankful for all the lessons it’s taught me. Thanks for reading and as always peace, love and prosperity!
Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.